FAST FOOD DISAPPEARING FAST

This column originally appeared on Wicked Local, and is also featured on  4-traders.com.

What has happened to real fast food? 

I was up in Vermont in April.  I was driving down route 7 into South Burlington, a road that is filled with commercial properties including several restaurants.  Strangely, I noticed there were no real fast food restaurants, at least as far as my contact lenses would allow me to see.  I spotted a Chipotle and soon found a Panera.  I began to question whether these two places now qualified as fast food joints or should be considered actual restaurants.  Apparently, these are the things that I think of after driving for five hours. 

I am not writing this column as a proponent of fast food.  I understand that a steady diet of Big Macs can be hazardous to one’s health, and the Surgeon General has determined that smoking them can be even worse - particularly if you are under the age of 37.  I do, however, think that there is a place in our society, perhaps even a valuable place in American culture for authentic fast food.  After all, no one chooses to eat a Snickers bar because of its health benefits, but the fact that Mars has yet to add kale to their usual mix of chocolate, caramel, peanuts, and nougat does not mean they are removing them from the shelves of your local candy counter due to health concerns.   Fast food has a place in our society and it would be better if it were allowed to exist without attempts to make it something that it is not.  In the famous words of Burger King, when it comes to fast food we should be able to have it our way. 

Decades ago, it seemed that the reign of McDonald’s and Burger King would last forever.  They proudly (and I use that term loosely) represented fast food in our communities.  It was also easy to tell what constituted a fast food restaurant from a, well, restaurant.  McDonald’s and Burger King were undeniably fast food, as was the newcomer Wendy’s although Wendy’s always seemed like a bit of a culinary upgrade.  If you preferred dinner in a bucket, Kentucky Fried Chicken was the place to be.  And I was always intrigued by the Jack in the Box located across from Christo’s in Brockton East, although I was never afforded the opportunity to actually have a meal there.  As a youngster, I must have passed the magical Jack in the Box sign a million times while in the backseat of the family car, but like a kid from Orlando who has never been brought inside the walls of Disney World, I was never allowed to go there.  In response to the movement toward wellness (whatever that is), McDonald’s and Burger King are now working hard, perhaps too hard, to remain competitive in the very market they originally helped to carve out. 

A product of the political correctness in our society today, our suburban landscape has become littered with fast food hybrids offering nicer booths and fancier wallpaper while the quality of what we are putting into our mouths remains open for discussion.  Chipotle claims to represent a healthy farewell to GMOs, while the trade-off of potentially contracting the Norovirus is a difficult sell.  Panera only purchases poultry from reduced-stress environments, meaning your Napa Almond Chicken Salad Sandwich is probably loaded with Prozac and might be a bit sandy due to the fact that it emanates from an extremely relaxing beach in Punta Cana. 

According to Kingston resident Jillian Carter, “Chipotle and Panera are fast food, but they are a higher quality.  It is not as fast.  It is moderate speed.  They are not sit-down restaurants.  They are somewhere in the middle.  You still order at the counter, so you can’t really call them restaurants. There should be another word for them.”

McDonald’s and Burger King were authentic fast food restaurants back in the day.  Nobody went into a McDonald’s with the intent of actually eating a healthy meal.  You went into McDonald’s to eat at a McDonald’s and you knew exactly what you were getting.  McDonald’s and Burger King were significantly better when they dared to be what they actually are – fast food restaurants. 

Enough with the transparent health conscious upgrades.  Nobody enjoys eating a Premium Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad with Ronald McDonald staring you down from across the restaurant.

Health and fast food are mutually exclusive and they should stay that way, at least according to Mayor McCheese.