MANY HAPPY RETURNS, EXCEPT FOR ONE    This column originally appeared on Wicked Local.

A few weeks back I was at a large local book store. I purchased a series of items including a few Mother’s Day cards and, as an afterthought, I bought a magazine. I picked up one of those thick exclusives, Special Time Magazine Edition – Great Scientists, The Geniuses and Visionaries who transformed our World. Hardly a so-called magazine, I paid $14.99 for this publication, a higher price than many of the books at this particular book store.  Not able to use the magazine for the educational purpose that I originally had in mind, my intent was to return it. The magazine, in fact, never left the bag that it came in, had the original receipt tucked between its pages, and sat in my truck until the day came when I had a chance to bring it back and get my refund.  

A week ago Sunday morning, I was in the neighborhood of the bookstore from which it was purchased presenting the perfect opportunity to return the magazine. I was informed at the return counter, however, that they do not take magazines back. I politely inquired as to why? The woman at the desk said, “I don’t know.  It’s just our policy.” Not entirely satisfied, I asked for a better explanation, such as why the policy actually existed. She again said that she didn’t know. Another woman at the desk jumped into the conversation in an effort to get rid of me and claimed that someone could just read the magazine and return it  (which is also true of books, I thought to myself). With a conclusive look of finality on her face, she added that their return policy was two weeks. When I told her that I was easily within the two week period and showed her the date on my receipt she said, “Well, it’s just our policy.”  I left the store as the owner of an expensive magazine about great scientists, unfortunately for the second time.

The policy restricting the return of a $15.00 so-called magazine intrigued me. In response, I decided to do what any reasonable man would do while his wife was at home watching the Kardashians – go buy a whole bunch of random things and then see if I could return them. I stopped by Kohl’s at the Derby Street “Shoppes” in Hingham and began to look around, frequently having to remind myself that it didn’t matter what I grabbed because I was going to return it anyway. I picked up a package of underwear for $39.00 for which I also had a 30% off coupon, although I was needlessly told that I could not use the coupon until the next day meaning that, for maybe the first time in my life, I bought underwear at full price. With my purchase from Kohl’s in the proverbial bag, I walked across the parking lot to Barnes & Noble. I marched in and found exactly what I was looking for, the new Paul Simon biography by Robert Hilburn.  I bought the book for $24.99 and left the store focused on Whole Foods.  I grabbed some frozen peas at Whole Foods and brought them to the check-out line. Before the attendant had a chance to ring them in, I asked if it would be possible for me to return the peas. Apparently hip to my covert consumer investigation he reassuringly said, “At Whole Foods you can return anything. Normally, you don’t even need a receipt.” I then went back to Kohl’s to return the underwear I had purchased a short time before, and after briefly waiting for assistance, was given a full refund without incident.  I hurried over to Barnes & Noble to return the Paul Simon book, where I was quickly given a cash refund due to the fact that I had initially used my debit card which conveniently eliminated my need to also stop at an ATM.

With no desire to temporarily buy a cumbersome refrigerator only to return it, I instead placed a call to George Washington Toma in East Weymouth and asked them about the potential of returning a large appliance. “If somebody’s not happy with something, they can certainly return it, even a refrigerator.  We have a 100% satisfaction guaranteed policy.” 

Tired from my impromptu shopping excursion, I ran into CVS on my way home and purchased a greeting card which I, predictably, decided I had no need for by the time I walked out of the store. I went back and returned the card for a full refund minutes later with my extremely long CVS receipt in tow. To their credit, CVS awarded me a full refund even though I disclosed in good faith that I had already read the entire card. 

Magazines are unique, apparently, even the ones that are thicker than some books and cost $14.99.  And while returning them is strictly against some unspecified social norm, take comfort in knowing that it is absolutely acceptable to return books, greeting cards, underwear, and even a refrigerator with virtually no consequence.

And for the record, I never did return the peas. I ate them while reading about great scientists.