THE 14-YEAR-OLD DIET
This column originally appeared on Wicked Local

As we get older, it seems, weight gain is inevitable.  When I look at pictures of myself from 25 years ago and compare them to photos from today, it appears that my head is morphing into the second coming of Ted Kennedy.  I make a general attempt to run regularly, although I haven’t experienced a runner’s high in at least two decades.  Exercise to me has become the equivalent of taking medicine.  You don’t particularly want to do it, but you know that when you have to endure it grinning and bearing it is really the only choice you have. 

Keeping in shape is a combination of both exercise and a proper diet.  My wife claims that breaking a sweat is hazardous to her health.  When she discusses a diet, it usually entails contacting a witch doctor she has seen on Dr. Phil.  She and I did successfully try juicing last year, but in order to actually create the requisite juices necessary you must store away enough vegetables to cover the state of Nebraska (twice) in order to yield the equivalent of a shot glass of healthy juice, whereas preparing an Oscar Mayer wiener takes far less time and is equally enjoyable, especially if your body is in need of nitrates. 

Choosing the appropriate diet can be confusing.  There are meat only diets and diets that don’t allow any meat.  Some diets claims you should eat no fat, while others want you to eat only the “good” fat. There are diets that want you to stay away from carbohydrates and some that aim to eliminate sugar.  Suffice it to say, choosing the appropriate diet can require a fair amount of research. 

I am a dietary realist.  In the words of Woody Allen, “Everything our parents said was good is bad.  Sun, milk, red meat… college.” With that in mind, I am recommending the When I was 14 Diet, which puts into practice the same simple habits that kept me hovering around 90 pounds when I was 14 years old.  The rules of the diet are easy and can even be specific to the person attempting to adhere to it. 

First and foremost (and I feel like I am going to lose most of you right here), because you are only 14 alcohol is simply not an option.  Instead, reach for a good old-fashioned Coca-Cola.  Although high in sugar, there is no way you will be able to drink a six-pack of Coke without placing an immediate order for Super Beta Prostate (especially if you are a male), and there is also the issue of possibly losing your teeth within six months (both male and female).  Do not settle for Diet Coke, which you never would have opted for when you were 14.  In my case, it didn’t even exist.  If you stubbornly insist on going the actual diet beverage route, seek out a Tab or a Fresca which will be impossible to find and, as a result, save you from having to drink any soda at all which is even better for your waistline.  Keep it simple.  Have a Coke and a smile.  Drink up!  After all, they’ve done wonderful things with root canals in recent years. 

Dinner at McDonald’s is allowed, but because you are following the When I was 14 Diet you will not be able to get to McDonald’s without a ride.  Customarily, the driver will also be required to pay for your order.  Following this regimen will keep your trips to McDonald’s limited, and you will not feel as if you are restricting yourself from delicious fast food. 

If you are out to dinner, refrain from the rib-eye and instead order steak-umms.  The steak-umm is a considerably thinner far less expensive meal than your traditional steak, and it will also be a more nostalgic meal.  Who knows?  It might even be from the 1980s.

Make a convenient habit of being at people’s houses as dinner approaches.  Stay there until they ask you to eat over.  Aside from enjoying the occasional home-cooked meal, this tactic will really help with portion control, particularly when word of your frequent visits gets around the neighborhood. 

A clever way to practice portion control when eating at home is to only eat certain parts of your meal unless you are reprimanded.  This especially applies to vegetables. 

Always finish things off with a Hoodsie Cup which historically contains only a sample size serving of ice-cream.  Live it up!  Let’s face it, you couldn’t over-eat if you wanted to with one of those little wooden spoons regardless of what was in the cup. 

The When I was 14 diet has been a success in that I have been able to eat what I want and primarily stay away from meals dominated by bean sprouts and/or chia seeds.  But fair warning!  The price of Count Chocula has gone up astronomically since 1982.